I’m talking about anxiety. That….thing. I’m not even sure if labelling it an enemy is the correct way forward, but I want to deal with it. And to deal with it, for me, means working out where this anxiety is coming from.
It’s causing me major frustration, as I feel my life is at a standstill of misery until I know how to tackle it. I’ve been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder as well as Bipolar Disorder, so it will come as no surprise that I get anxiety when thinking about or trying to do, day to day things.
I’ve completed two types of group therapy now and one online course. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought I’d be able to deal with my main problem of getting up in the morning and facing the day, but I think it’s gotten worse over the last month. I had two weeks or so of illness (cold/cough), which can’t have helped. The courses must have helped me in some way, as I attended almost all sessions and completed the homeworks – I’m quite worried that I’ll forget or lose the essence of what I learnt. So I’m looking at ways to stay on top of the information and keep up the good practice.
Looking at my core beliefs and triggering situations comes up in both courses, and that’s the part I struggle with the most. I know that I have a feeling I’ll be uncomfortable in myself, that I think I won’t cope with the outside world as well as others, and will feel unworthy – but this representation of the anxious thoughts and feelings I get as soon as I’m awake, doesn’t feel quite spot on.
Also, the anxious feelings crop up during the day, for example when I was planning our family’s activities for the winter holidays. I had to go and lie down for an afternoon nap, which I’ve decided I’m not going to feel that guilty about if I can’t resist it.
I’m trying to do the few chores that I do, mindfully and with gratitude. I also focus on 3 things I’m grateful in my daily journal. But then I have days where I just give up on everything and just lie in bed trying to get back to sleep, or work out when I feel I can cope with getting washed and dressed – usually after I’ve eaten something light.
I have to admit that the anxiety I used to feel in the presence of others has diminished, so I’m very grateful of that. More mindfulness in my task, less comparing with others and less judgement of others has helped – but I know I need to work harder in all of these areas.
Coming back to identifying the enemy, or why I’m getting anxiety. I looked at the Fennell model of behavior in the self esteem course, so if I look at my own formulation of this, it could help with my core beliefs and rules for living. The free to be me course looks more holistically at influences on my core beliefs, which I will try to identify in more detail.
There is so much more that I need to work on, like creating a balance in my life of enjoyable activities, social and household activities. Now, finding enjoyable activities for me whilst my toddler is around seem next to impossible. Probably something for me to think about more and write about next time.
Practically, saying a verse from the Quran as soon as I wake up and making my husband a cup of tea first thing, is what I’m going to try again. Working on my thoughts will be a build up of daily work on my own CBT model.
Bipolarised Mother 