I woke up today wondering what I’m here for. Why have I been given another chance – another day? It’s one of those days in the week that I’m fortunate enough to have to myself, with Star in nursery and husband working, I had peace and quiet. Thankfully my sleeping pattern is aligning, due to various factors I’ve put into place – yet it still takes me over an hour to haul myself out of bed once I’m awake.
I had the feeling this morning that I don’t have a strong driver for myself, call it motivation if you like. You know when you feel like you’re going through the motions of life. To be fair, it’s taken me 4 years to get from total emptiness, to a bit of self care and learning – but what am I caring for myself for? It feels a bit inside out. Unsettling in a way. So bear with me whilst I work things out here.
I have the role of a mother and wife, but when all the labels are removed, who am I left with? For me the labels of mother or wife have never sat that well or stereotypically. I think it comes back to my values again. I did a values exercise and my top 5 values are: Making a difference, Balance, Compassion, Family and Quality. It’s obviously not as clear cut as just 5, but it’s a start to understanding what my priorities are. Looking at it now, the first value of making a difference is something I might feel more purposeful about, if I worked on it in the sense of the world at large.
I’ve spent a large part of my life studying and then working, then had quite a few years gap due to anxiety and getting ill after childbirth. But the world of work is calling me now, I do however want to take it slowly. My ambition involves helping people make changes in their lives and playing a part in finding solutions for society. This seems to be taking me into the health and wellbeing sector. So maybe I just need to accept that and with more of a financial boost, I’ll be able to travel more with my family and enjoy arts and culture like I used to those years ago.
Maybe I’ve been wanting my motivation to be something more exciting or glamourous! The not good enough feeling starts to come into play. Love. I just want to love life…right now I like life, so that’s a start in the right direction. I’d like to take more risks too, as that’s where enjoyment comes in for me. I need to figure out how and where to take what risks.
I’m also a role model for Star, so I want to show him the world and what life’s all about. It’s a bit trickier in lockdown and tricky getting over my anxieties of being in public. But I’m getting there.
I was once told that life is like a three legged stool, with the legs being routine activities, necessary activities and pleasurable activities. You need a balance of all three to be stable. I’m getting more comfortable with my routine, and working hard to make it healthy. I’m building on my necessary chores, which have a way to go. Then in terms of pleasure, that’s probably where I need to dip my toes into some risk taking, but for now it’s more soothing activities like reading, writing, music, meditating and drawing.
How do you motivate yourself? Do you feel you have a purpose or role in this life?